On a wing and a prayer

I'm no Elizabeth Gilbert, but admiring and understanding the author and her acclaimed best seller, Eat, Pray, Love like I do, I set off on what started as a simple vacation but became my own journey of self - discovery. It's no coincidence that I too, visited three countries. As a writer and a spiritual man, I believe in the power of three. It had been a year and a half since I'd taken a real vacation. In that time, I've relocated to New York City, moved twice while in New York, I've started a new job and been promoted twice, I've had two surgeries and countless other "eventful" experiences. Needless to say, a vacation was needed. It wasn't by choice, but timing or divine order that I ended up taking my vacation alone, something in hindsight I wouldn't change for the world.

 St. Maarten

My trip began in St. Maarten. I wanted to go somewhere known for its memorable underwater experience. And while in my best description, I could do the water and marine life no justice, it's what happened on land that transformed me. I met some amazing people, all employees and guests of the resort. Their personalities were different, yet their hearts the same - gentle and filled with love. The folks I met encouraged me to let go of my "schedule" and loosen up. They persuaded me, well, they made me dance and participate in random kinds of silliness with strangers all of whom celebrated me just being. Everyone was charming, talkative and accepting. Through all the human interaction, there were intense moments of solitude, which allowed me to truly reflect. I was able to reflect on my past, present, pain, joy, my shortcomings, and my over comings. It was on this small island, surrounded by activities, and a diverse array of people that I found peace.

It wasn't an ordinary peace or what I thought peace meant. The kind of peace that I found hit me to my core. It's the type of peace derived from acceptance, forgiveness and a valiant effort of not stressing too hard or too long. I used to believe that not stressing, failure to worry or not expressing concern meant that I didn't care. And the thought of me not caring scared me, only because I knew what I was capable of if I stopped caring. I suppose, it's what I've been asking for in my commercial attempt at the Serenity Prayer. Only before in meditation have I felt worry drain from my body. This time, I wasn't in a meditative state - or was I?

In 2002 I grew painfully, almost fatally ill. On a trip to the Florida Keys, my grandmother and I stopped in Siesta Key, I simply couldn't make anymore of the trip. We found a quaint hotel near the beach, where I was allowed to rest. The next day, we decided to find lunch, my grandmother was starving but as was the trend, I had no appetite. In route, my grandmother found a healing center where she insisted we stop. I had no energy to object, and if you knew my grandmother, you could have all the energy in the world, but objecting to her was a losing battle. Little did I know, this little healing center would save my life.

Maya Angelou once said "people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I don't remember the exact prayers, or all the services rendered, but I remember Constance who was the founder of this healing center. I remember being so embarrassed to disclose my illnesses, but being too weak to lie. Constance took me to a little room where I first learned about energy. I could literally feel the healing vibes, and that's coming from what used to be a skeptic. The short version of what happened in that room is through the power of prayer and touch (reflexology specifically), Constance drained every bit of energy I had in me. She spoke little, hummed a lot and I remember Sting was playing in the background. When she hit certain trigger points on my feet I could literally feel toxins release in my abdomen, sharp pains and a warmth in my head and throat, all followed by a tingling numbness that lasted for hours. I went back to my room where I slept for a few hours and when I woke, I had an appetite. I ate four courses that night, I had no fever (which I had been nursing with Motrin for weeks), and I had physical energy. The next morning, I woke up, and walked the length of a three mile long beach - twice as my grandmother watched, and I believe found a little piece of God herself. I share this story to describe the kind of release and drainage of what I experienced in St. Maarten, only it wasn't physical release, it was all emotional, and necessary.

Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico is affectionately termed, the island of enchantment. It's the place on my trip that was all too familiar to me. I've traveled there for years for business, usually alone, but this time was different. The moment I landed I felt like I was home. And when I checked into my hotel room, I felt like I got to my moms house, with my room just as I'd left it before going to college some eighteen years ago. The hotel staff were cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews and high school friends. They remembered me, welcomed me, teased me, laughed with me and missed me. It is said that when you come around family, you find love, and that's exactly what I learned - love.

Love is the most fundamental, underrated and complicated of human emotions. I believe that's probably because we are on a constant search for love in others. Love and honor thy mother and father. Love thy brother, love thy neighbor and so on. Where in any scripture or human doctrine are we taught to love ourselves? It's usually not until the rough times, loss, break ups and loneliness are we told to find love within. In fact, until the whole life coach phenomena - most of us easterners had never heard of it. Why is that? Why do we wait so long to learn love? Love is like any other language, it's best taught at the earliest of ages.

Perhaps I was under a spell in Puerto Rico, but it was something about this island, this time that I realized - I'm pretty fucking amazing! Not only have I seen a lot, gone through a lot, and I'm convinced I nearly died - twice. But, I've spent a better part of my life trying to appease others, perhaps all in the search for love. I wrote a book five years ago all about this called "epiphany", and it would do me good to revisit those words. The point is, with the ocean as my mirror, I was able to pick myself apart and when given the option, I put myself back together in my vision of perfection - exactly as I had started.

Santo Domingo, Domincan Republic

I intentionally ended my trip in the colonial quarters of Santo Domingo. Many asked why I didn't choose a more "beautiful", more "laid back" more "touristy" part of the country. The short and simple answer is , I didn't want to. I'm not really a touristy person. I hate carrying cameras, and looking dumbfounded by things that are different from my norm. I love to observe people in their natural habitat, doing their day to day activities and living their lives. I also didn't want to go to a part of the country where people would kiss my ass, or where the U.S. dollar held some mystical power that
made people salivate at each fold. In the colonial area of Santo Domingo I was forced to speak Spanish and when I tripped over my words, I was able to speak French. I had to travel on local buses, and take risks that weren't so calculated. I was forced out of my comfort zone and in my observations and discomfort, I learned gratitude and humility.

My humility came from not being in a position of authority, not only as an American, but as a tourist. Tourism was not a primary source of economic sustainability. In fact, there was little economic sustainability. In an attempt to visit the beach, I watched people step barefoot over rocks, glass, jagged shells and other debris to take a dip in the water. Much to my chagrin, these men and boys were going to the water to bath, and scavenge unbroken shells to try to sell in a local marketplace. As I watched this basic survival, I could do nothing but collapse to my knees, and pray.

In my daily life I lose sight of what's enough. The hustle and bustle of Manhattan living spares little time for gratitude if you allow it to consume you. Yet, I have a lucrative job, where I'm currently positioned to chose between three promotions. I have a beautiful apartment, a bit of a shopping habit, and only miss a meal when I'm having one of my many "fat days". Yet, like many, I'm on a constant climb and have a case of the more, more, mores. So, I was indeed humbled with a renewed sense of gratitude during my stay.


I had three vastly different experiences, in what I now know to be three geographically close but incredibly different countries. I set out to relax, catch up on some reading and disconnect from the world that I'm all too familiar with. I had no idea that I'd find myself in strangers and nature. The thing about the universe is that it will always win. It knows what what we need and when we need it. Mistakes are natural and the universe will keep bringing similar situations in our lives until the lesson is learned. I'm convinced after my trip I will see very new experiences. Yes, Universe, I hear you loud and clear.

I'm looking forward to what's ahead of me, and will never forget the chaotic beauty of what's behind me. I'm convinced I've learned my lessons, and while I firmly believe and accept that everything happens a for reason, the most basic human desire in me still begs to understand the why? Toni Morrison said, "there is nothing left to say - except why. But since why is difficult to handle, one must take refuge in how." I believe that why and how are both difficult to handle, therefore, I take refuge in the unquestionable, divine, natural order of the universe.